They’re stuck in your pants?
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Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Aight bet
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Husband of the year 😂
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..