All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
You Might Also Like
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!