im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
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airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
no!! no!!!!!!
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.