[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
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It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms