Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
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I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?