I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
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I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
oppen heimer style lol
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.