You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
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I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.