Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
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[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
I’ve been drinking.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Pringles