Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
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I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
No Google it does not
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.