My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
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Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track