For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
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coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?