Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
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I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight