My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
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Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up