You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
You Might Also Like
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying