asked my bf how work was today
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Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Had a spot of bother earlier.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.