me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
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*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.