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[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
My dad is at it again
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.