Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
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ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.