I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
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Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
bias laundering edition
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”