When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
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When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
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the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”