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[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
A completely valid reaction tbh
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.