Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
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“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once