Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
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If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
My new favorite headline
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Breaking news:
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF