”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
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Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
sry
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?