What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
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Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Wait a minute…
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda