All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
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People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
This makes total sense…
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”