Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
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Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting