Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
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[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
This rocks
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.