“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
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My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this