Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
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My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both