All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
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“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
This is my cat’s medicine.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.