Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
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Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.