I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
You Might Also Like
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time