horrifying if literal: the electric slide
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I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.