If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
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[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
stand with me against insufficient seating
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
#growingpains
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it