If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
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[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?