My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
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Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable