Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
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My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
this is me
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE