talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
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Me: why aren鈥檛 you studying?
My kid: I didn鈥檛 see you coming.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
My husband says I鈥檓 selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
God making man in his image was the original selfie
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we鈥檙e trying to have a baby
ME: ok I鈥檒l step outside
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 馃槶馃槶
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
“Don鈥檛 hate me 鈥榗ause you ain鈥檛 me.”
“No, I hate you 鈥榗ause you say stuff like that.”
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie