[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
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PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
*pronounces woah like Noah*
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not