Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
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Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.