Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
You Might Also Like
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.