a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
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I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
PLEASE READ
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Please let me in.. 😂
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