7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
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He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
In space, no one can hear…
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”