My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
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her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Always
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.