When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
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If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
me, after any kind of buffet.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.