Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
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Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
“HELP WITH CAT”
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes