Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
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“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War