interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
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At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house