Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
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Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.